Brian’s Story 

Gender: queer male

Sexuality: gay/queer

Pronouns: he/him/his

Current home: Baltimore, Maryland

From: Portsmouth, Virginia

Cultural Background/Identity: White

Interests: architecture, interior design, listening to music, playing the fiddle, poetry, photography, advocacy

Until participating in the All The Genders Photo Project, I hadn’t given much thought to my gender identity (one of the privileges I’ve been afforded as a white, cisgender male, that I haven’t had to).  I am a husband, a son, a brother, an uncle, and I am a gay man. These are identifiers that come easily, that seem to fit and feel right. But through this process, I’ve become aware that the question of identity and how I view myself is more complex.

In many ways, I feel fortunate to be a gay man. While coming out was not without its own challenges (having been raised in a religious household in the South, at the time it felt like a rebellion against my upbringing, even though I was just being true to myself), the experience of coming out and experiencing the associative ostracization and discrimination imparted a sense of empathy that drives my interest in advocacy and activism today. Further, it taught me the importance of being open and true to myself without shame.

That said, for most of my life I’ve also placed an outsized emphasis on outward appearance.  As a shy, chubby kid, I experienced teasing and bullying from a young age, leading to ongoing body dysmorphia, self-consciousness, and a sense of self-worth tied to physical appearance (see reference #1). 

So, I feel my existence is a culmination of a number of factors: gender, sexual orientation, and lived experiences all contribute to how I feel about myself and the self that I share with the world.  Although I identify as a cisgender male, I also feel that being gay does in some ways make my gender identity a bit more malleable (why I embrace the term ‘queer’).  As a queer man, the heteronormative gender roles do not fit – in reality, things are more fluid.  As a gay couple, one might analyze our relationship and suggest certain more gender normative behaviors or associations with certain traditional roles relative to straight couples.  I think, in reality, that we transcend any gender norms or roles. We both just do what comes naturally in our relationship.

I’m still relatively shy and introverted by nature, often self-conscious and lacking the self confidence I admire in others. However, as I’ve gotten older I’ve become more open to expanding my comfort zone — more inclined to challenge long-held notions. Growing my hair out was one such conscious decision, something that challenged my more reserved self, but that another part of me wanted to explore (see reference #2).  In doing so, I’m increasingly aware of the social concepts that rule much of our lives unnecessarily and restrict us from true freedom of expression and from a world where we champion each individual’s unique identity, whatever and whoever they may be.

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1 This (bullying and teasing) is not uncommon among gay men, and many adolescent boys regardless of sexual orientation are adversely impacted by social concepts of masculinity. Ironically, the preconceptions of gay men have traditionally run both counter and parallel to concepts of masculinity, with expressions ranging from being ‘girly’ and ‘effeminate’ to the dominance of the idealized male form favoring an Adonis-like image of masculinity. The common use of ‘masc’ and ‘fem’ (the latter historically being used derisively) seems to set up another sort of binary.

2 It’s silly, really, but men having long hair has long held certain associations — the sort of judgements that Marvin Gaye sang about in ‘What’s Going On’ (“…but who are they to judge us simply ’cause our hair is long…”). That said, I do embrace the associations with resistance and countering cultural norms.

Photographer’s note: In one of the photos above, Brian and his husband laughed and joked as I asked Brian’s husband how he liked his long hair that has been so affirming in recent years. As I continually work on deconstructing my own assumptions, sometimes some of my curious questions are still framed in heteronormative ways, as I thought of how much women’s haircuts are subject to a male partner’s preference (and sometimes approval). I really enjoyed the resulting thought provoking conversations, as we all reflected on how we live in our unique genders. Oh, and I got to see the stunning National Gallery of Art for the first time in my life, thru the perspectives of this beautiful couple who has already felt at home here for a long time!

Brian also kindly sponsored another participant in the photo project through his queer inclusive, NGLCC certified business: nth° architecture + interiors. His small firm is focused on meaningful projects and community impact in the DMV area. Only one of their specialities is in the design of environments for aging, accommodation and accessibility that are sustainable, healthy, affordable, and sufficiently-sized.

Photographs taken April 2025