Nikk’s Story

Gender: non-binary/genderfluid 

Sexuality: queer for queer, polyamorous

Pronouns: they/them/theirs

Current home: Durham, North Carolina

From: I grew up in Kaneohe, Hawaii in the rains of the Ko’olau mountains (and at 13 years it’s the place I’ve lived the longest). I have been a rolling stone for most of my adult life, having lived in Boston, Albuquerque, and Durham most recently.

Cultural background/identity: Ashkenazi anti-Zionist Jew is as close as I can name my cultural identity, but there are so many invisible cultural strings of identity in my tapestry of identity that cannot be as easily named: threads from growing up in Hawaii with celebration of so many different cultures, from growing up with public health professionals as parents (a culture I wouldn’t have called one until Covid), threads from neurodivergence, or from being the fourth generation to have disabling chronic fatigue issues. I started coming out as trans when I was 15, and there are so many beautiful pieces of my life that have come from the culture of queerness itself. 

Interests: I’m an astrologer, maker/artist, gardener, and lifelong learner. Astrology is a language through which the world reveals itself in metaphor and makes space for me to understand the moment through the lens of the stars.  I’m an artist of every medium: I love the wild act of creation whether it’s in writing, paint, fiber, or anything else. Even the earth feels like a medium when you have seeds available: gardening shares so much of the act of beauty, surprise, and abundance that I enjoy in making art. Learning itself is my favorite joy, and all of my interests are self-perpetuated by my deep interest in wanting to know more about everything, from culture & history, how-to’s for making or building a thing, to the stories we tell as we move through the world.

I started questioning my gender around 2008.  At that point, transsexual was still the nomenclature for anyone who thought of themselves as both trans and a binary gender, Laura’s Playground was the trans forum of the moment, most people didn’t know a queer adult in their lives and it was significant to find and consume queer media.  Later, I drifted feminine (still loudly non-binary!), found deep joy in the ways that femininity makes space for us to be social and loving with each other, and then drifted masculine, finding joy in trusting my strength and mind, then drifting back to another kind of gendery joy with access to something that still itched with structure.  

I found (find) myself doing lifestyle division, trying to figure out which gender lives where in my life and come up short. The options feel endless, like all the options in a department store and I am wandering; sometimes it feels like nothing feels soft or bright or interesting enough.  Maybe I find something in the sterile lights and rows, but it’s more about the time spent considering all the various options, fabrics, fits, colors, and styles than the pieces I’ve adopted as parts of myself.

I come to this metaphor post-top surgery, when adorning myself in my gender has become literal all over again. I drift more to bright color and bold fits in my clothes and my identity. I find myself both determined to stand out, to be open about the complexity and truth of my gender identity, and afraid of even the potential of attracting attention.  

But I’m still here, living in the paradox and play between all of these components and ultimately informed by living with fibromyalgia and other chronic illnesses.  Fatigue is the grief that keeps on giving as I’ve lost normalcy and an easy box to shape my life into. I miss the awake aliveness that came with ability, but because I no longer have it, I have the freedom of my life looking like my very own.  My gender too could be grief itself and also the freedom that comes from having let go of something no longer able to be carried.  Now I commit to vibrancy over gender specificity, to emotional intimacy and connection, to a deep connection to cosmic time through astrology, and the easy passage through it by resting and making art.

Photographer’s note: Nikk made a request that I think many photographers could go an entire career without hearing: “Don’t edit out my pimples!” They shared that it was just part of their experience as a trans person on hormones, a reminder of the journey their body was navigating.

I absolutely loved this request. As a photographer who thrives on capturing people as they are, I still spend a lot of time deliberating over my approach to editing. My goal is always to create images that feel affirming, while staying true to the unique essence of each person. Nikk’s request spoke volumes about their confidence and the self-assured way they carry their body through the world, flowing with their own gender journey.

Our meet-up also took place shortly before their top surgery. Once again, Nikk got ahead of me, making it clear they didn’t want the focus to be on “before and after photos.” They were excited about their upcoming body transformation but were equally intentional about embracing every part of their journey.  I found this photo session to be a powerful reminder of the beauty in fully inhabiting and celebrating your body at every stage, in every way. 

September 2024